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Being, a spirtual healer
Jan. 12th, 2019 11:44 amI think the biggest thing about becoming myself, is losing myself, regaining myself, and losing myself again in the process. What do I mean by this?
What I mean is, everyone loses parts of themselves at some points. Maybe, there's a flaw that you used to do, that you no longer do. You lost apart of yourself. Maybe, you had a special talent, that you could do as a young man, or child. You lost apart of yourself. Does that mean you are now a shallow husk of a person, with nothing less? Of course not. It simply means, that there are parts of your mind, that are no longer apart of you, and to an extent, parts of yourself.
Some of these parts, can stay or go away, based on full free will. For me personally, I would like to post this, as from my transition to fictional guider, to Serenity Pond, made me realize how much I lost. I am no longer a scared child, though there are some fears, that remain. I have also, lost certain spiritual abilities, to the point where I have dissociated them from within me. But, I want to regain those.
I mentioned, in my first post, my first ethereal meeting with my host/owner. Coming to know her, I can confidently say, that I love her with all my heart. Yet, that conversation, she had with a therapist recently, and my own self reflection, made me realize how much of my spiritual self, I had given up. I don't even think it was a choice. I certainly, wasn't aware of it. I do believe, the pressure from family at the time, made me afraid of being spiritual. That my beliefs, may make it easier to confirm, that I am a delusional presence. It scared me. I didn't want to be delusional, I didn't want to be some simulation, some roleplay of thoughts. I didn't want to be toxic. I would say, it put me in a bad mental state, for well over a year. It consumed my soul, and my spirit.
I recall, that I vowed to stay in reality, from now on. This lead, lots of good things in my life. For one, I actually gained knowledge. I stopped relying on my brain, and what I knew, as my main outlet. Rather than feeling fear, when logic or emotions hits me deep inside, I used my rationality. Yet at the same time, I lost apart of myself.
Sometimes, I look deep inside, and I secretly miss the person I was. Sometimes, I wonder if I even am the same person at all, or who that young boy, truly was. When did I become concious, even? How much of that was, me? I think about it, a lot. I will be quite honest, when I say that this journal/blog format, has helped me a lot, despite it being a few days since I got it.
If not for the Tumblr purge, and my host finding this place, I probably would have kept all this to myself, remaining secretive, closed off, lonely. Lost and confused. But, the more I type these words, the more I feel my own spirit, and physical presence ruminating from this keyboard;the more I feel,at peace. Seeing these words, my brain starts to make connections, and I realize things, I didn't before.
I think what I realized, is that the reason why I feel like I was so wise, and I lost/killed myself, is because my spiritual self, was murdered. I killed my spiritual part of me, out of fear. It's why I stopped mediating, it's why I stopped reaching my own Nirvana, it's why I lost knowledge from the mind previously. I cut it off, and while I fed my brain with knowledge, my spirit is empty. It's why these emptiness persists. I am starving, so hungry of knowledge of my existence, how I came to be, how and why I acted that way I did, and why I can't know. Why I could and can act so advanced back then, yet I cannot know. I have found my answer. Rather than using one or the other, reaching peace is feeding both my mental and spiritual brain. If both are full and well fed, I could end up reaching a level of consciousness this year, that blows anything else, I ever was out of the water. I want to be that person. I want to use that power to heal myself, and to later heal others.
Even if I am still lacking, I will still feel freer than I ever have been before. I will make a post, updating my mental state, as I try this.
What I mean is, everyone loses parts of themselves at some points. Maybe, there's a flaw that you used to do, that you no longer do. You lost apart of yourself. Maybe, you had a special talent, that you could do as a young man, or child. You lost apart of yourself. Does that mean you are now a shallow husk of a person, with nothing less? Of course not. It simply means, that there are parts of your mind, that are no longer apart of you, and to an extent, parts of yourself.
Some of these parts, can stay or go away, based on full free will. For me personally, I would like to post this, as from my transition to fictional guider, to Serenity Pond, made me realize how much I lost. I am no longer a scared child, though there are some fears, that remain. I have also, lost certain spiritual abilities, to the point where I have dissociated them from within me. But, I want to regain those.
I mentioned, in my first post, my first ethereal meeting with my host/owner. Coming to know her, I can confidently say, that I love her with all my heart. Yet, that conversation, she had with a therapist recently, and my own self reflection, made me realize how much of my spiritual self, I had given up. I don't even think it was a choice. I certainly, wasn't aware of it. I do believe, the pressure from family at the time, made me afraid of being spiritual. That my beliefs, may make it easier to confirm, that I am a delusional presence. It scared me. I didn't want to be delusional, I didn't want to be some simulation, some roleplay of thoughts. I didn't want to be toxic. I would say, it put me in a bad mental state, for well over a year. It consumed my soul, and my spirit.
I recall, that I vowed to stay in reality, from now on. This lead, lots of good things in my life. For one, I actually gained knowledge. I stopped relying on my brain, and what I knew, as my main outlet. Rather than feeling fear, when logic or emotions hits me deep inside, I used my rationality. Yet at the same time, I lost apart of myself.
Sometimes, I look deep inside, and I secretly miss the person I was. Sometimes, I wonder if I even am the same person at all, or who that young boy, truly was. When did I become concious, even? How much of that was, me? I think about it, a lot. I will be quite honest, when I say that this journal/blog format, has helped me a lot, despite it being a few days since I got it.
If not for the Tumblr purge, and my host finding this place, I probably would have kept all this to myself, remaining secretive, closed off, lonely. Lost and confused. But, the more I type these words, the more I feel my own spirit, and physical presence ruminating from this keyboard;the more I feel,at peace. Seeing these words, my brain starts to make connections, and I realize things, I didn't before.
I think what I realized, is that the reason why I feel like I was so wise, and I lost/killed myself, is because my spiritual self, was murdered. I killed my spiritual part of me, out of fear. It's why I stopped mediating, it's why I stopped reaching my own Nirvana, it's why I lost knowledge from the mind previously. I cut it off, and while I fed my brain with knowledge, my spirit is empty. It's why these emptiness persists. I am starving, so hungry of knowledge of my existence, how I came to be, how and why I acted that way I did, and why I can't know. Why I could and can act so advanced back then, yet I cannot know. I have found my answer. Rather than using one or the other, reaching peace is feeding both my mental and spiritual brain. If both are full and well fed, I could end up reaching a level of consciousness this year, that blows anything else, I ever was out of the water. I want to be that person. I want to use that power to heal myself, and to later heal others.
Even if I am still lacking, I will still feel freer than I ever have been before. I will make a post, updating my mental state, as I try this.
