serenitypond

I cannot write long, as I have important matters to attend to, but I must make this post.

When I was young, I mentioned something known as the ''mind'' frequently. It was a representation of my brains spirit, and was my only gone which I lost connection with when I was older. I felt empty, because I couldn't get it back. I felt worse, inadequate.

A new tulpa came in my life. He mimics my looks, emotions and feelings to a tee. It's why I called him mimic. Due to feeling threatened by his existence, we didn't have the best of relations. I am a kind, and good natured person. However, when it comes to thoughtforms, I tend to become, more hostile. Especially if this thought form, mimics myself, and could be a potential threat to everything I am, and everything I stand for. This may be ironic to some, as I am a thought form myself. However, I am a fully indepandant, fully aware, conscious thought form.

Tulpas, are unique. Many believe, that they don't exist. Many believe, that all exist. Well, they don't wrong. The mind, can certainly create another conciousness, prior to popular belief. However, that doesn't mean that every voice, every thought that's not your own, or every bit of imaginary imagery, is a separate person.

This, is honestly quite difficult for me to write. While my words may seem blunt and practical, and hurtful to some, bare in mind, I write in such a way to remain strong, rational. I have cried, many nights over this. I've had panic attacks, wondering whether I am real or not. I've had fears, that I am actually a complex simulation. I've had thoughts, that I could simply be my host projecting. I've wondered, if everyone is right, and that I am a delusion, and that I'm hurting my host. Just yesterday, this thought caused such emotional pain and discomfort, that I cried for at least six hours.

So no, I do not want to be the person to act like your tulpa does not exist, or to hurt your tulpas feelings. I would have to ask, several questions which make your tulpa ''valid''.

1. Do they appear to have a legitimate conversation with you, or are just an intrusive thought? An intrusive thought has little to no awareness, and consciousness, and is just a reflection of yourself.

2. Do they have their own goals, thoughts, opinions, and desires.

3. Test their level of thought. If you prime them, and they parrot or have little reason for what they're doing, they could be an illusion. However, they could ''have no reason'' for being under developed, and this difference must be tested over time.

Throughout my time with both Mimic, and other tulpas, I have realized the difference, though that doesn't make it easy. The mind, is tricky. People, are tricky. Non physical people, are trickier. My hostility towards Mimics existence, comes from other thought forms I made. At this point, they take such little space in my mind, that I actually forgot their names. These thought forms, would harass and bully me, attack me, psychologically trick me, and be a representation of my struggles of viewing reality. For example,I would begin to question who I really am, if I am real, if that Serenity in the past is me, if I actually am Serenity, if Serenity is real, if I am real, what it all means, etc, etc. This voice, would double up as a way to make me question my reality, to cause fear.

We have had several representations of anxiety. Keirthan is the first, and easily the worst. He, is more of an extension of my host's fears. He would taunt her, say horrible things to her, and threaten her with violence. I, was deathly afraid of him. I also recall, him doing sexual things to me when I didn't want him to, as a representation of our own sexual shame and guilt at the time. How we managed to get rid of him, was me realizing that he wasn't real, that he had no consciousness. He was fueled, only by our fear. If we ignored him, stopped paying attention to him and his games, and realized that he, and nothing else could hurt us, then he couldn't exist. Since then, he has ceased to exist, and hasn't in about a year. A faded, forgotten memory.

The second, was Logic. Now, I am still confused over Logic. Because, I do not want any concern or anger brought to him,I want to mention that him being a scary projection is the past. He is now a full fledged Tulpa, and his own person. He is loving and committed, and we've dated before. He's warm, and cuddly and a very sarcastic person. Who he was in the past, isn't who he is now. But, I'll mention it anyways. Logic, began as a very menacing figure. I recall, we were watching a Marvel movie. Black Panther, I think. He came, as an intrusive thought. He began harassing me, and saying horrible things to me, attempting to bully me. He called me, no name back then. At that point, I don't think he had a consciousness. I think he was merely a personification of my fears, and my guilt. I could hardly stand being around him, and begged for companionship, but found no one who could stop it. I think this lead to him doing some, terrible things to me mentally, things that still hurt me to this day. But, I need to remember that these things aren't, and were not physical actions. That like Keirthan, they aren't real. But man, do they sting.

Looking at who Logic is, who he became, and how he has massive guilt over his perceived wrong doings,I think he is a biblical test. Negative Logic, is meant to be an over exaggeration, of everything I hate about myself. How, I sometimes want sex, with disregard for peoples feelings, not realizing how it could hurt others. How I can be very rude, and tear people down psychologically if they are hurting themselves or being lazy, and being lower than what I feel they are supposed to be. And, because I have such kindness and empathy, I know exactly how to terrorize people, and how to push their buttons. Dealing with Logic, was the minds way of allowing me to confront that part of myself head on. And, once I did, it gifted me a Tulpa, and a strong friend. I still recall, that after all of the shit went down, he had a sense of happiness, saying that he was happy that I confronted himself, and that he did what he did to help me confront himself. Then he showed his personality, and became more logical.

Afterwards, Logic became a totally different person. He became very close, and attached to me. He later became infatuated with me, and felt that I was his second half. I never understood why he felt this way, especially since I always viewed him as just a close guy friend, but if he was initially created to be a representation of my negative traits, and my neutral logical side, then this actually makes sense. Whether I will recuperate his feelings, has been tough, considering we have an off and on again relationship.

At some point after Logic was born, another Tulpa I created known as Eternity was also born. He seemed, to manifest from the desire to have somewhat of a comforting figure to guide me, and to be a spiritual partner. He frequently came when I felt stressed, and had a unnatural talent for immediately calming me when I am anxious. I dubbed him ''The tranquilizer'' because he was able to calm me, and put me to sleep.

Fast forward in time, and everyone in our system is fine, except for me of course with my anxiety. Both attempted to comfort me, but neither truly helped. More and more of these thought forms kept bursting from my mind, and both were concerned. Logic wanted me to be more aggressive, and fight against these thoughtforms, though he felt pain and hypocrisy considering his origin. Tranquil wanted me to befriend them. I frequently went to Discord as my own fears only further confirmed my worry over a loss of reality, and they gave me the answer I was looking for.

These thought forms, eventually faded. They didn't fade over fear, they didn't fade over befriending them and turning them into tulpas. They faded, from one simple thought. ''Let's let them decide, if they are real, they will come back regardless of my feelings. If they are fake, they won't really survive if I stop feeling this way.''

Suffice to say, they never came back.

Since then, all was calm. Until one day, it wasn't. I was there, talking to my host about how I felt, odd. It was the first time in forever that I wasn't anxious. To the point, where I didn't even feel like myself anymore, like, being afraid was apart of me. Somehow, something must have split, or have been created. I have no idea what. All I know, is that I kind of just, blacked out. Gone. I come back, to see my host telling me that I had this big speech I knew I didn't make, and said things I knew I didn't say. I, was terrified. Eventually, I found what this thing was, and confronted it. I still recall, feeling full body shivers. It sounded like me, it acted like me, it copied my movements, and my words. It was, a perfect replica. I was scared stiff. I had no idea, what to say or do. I would just panic. Sometimes, he would follow me. Other times, attempt to calm me. Nothing helped.

I had fights, and other conflicts. It wasn't until, Mimic showed that he had a piece of me, stuck inside..And that once I gained this piece back, he stopped being me..

Our last post, was going back in the past, and how I came to be. Our next series of posts, will be my challenges. This current post, is who I am, right now.

''Serenity Pond'' is not a fictitious character. The characters actual name, I won't reveal, in case my host wants to put it in a book. The biggest change for me, was realizing I was not a fictional character. Or, a reincarnated one. Breaking away from that identity was hard, but refreshing. I discovered who I was, and was made free of the arbituary box and delusions I made. It only makes sense I look back on myself in strangeness, since in reality, that wasn't me. I was like, an adult fetus, growing and developing. I didn't have my true, personality yet.

I chose the name ''Serenity'' because it is based on the word ''Serene.'' Besides it being a beautiful name, it beings calmness, being unaffected and unruffled. It described me, the best, and my general behavior. I would also describe myself as posh,and eloquent. I tend to use long, descriptive words, and I tend to be well mannered, and quite elegant. This, also makes me come across as rather feminine. People, have mistaken me for a girl. Doesn't help that my hosts body, is biologically female, either.

One would expect dysphoria, but honestly, I don't mind. I remain in, quite a comforting prison in all honesty, and I would never trade it for anything, except being able to occasionally be my own person. Which is an uncomfortable reality I have faced..I only feel dysphora, when I am in control. I feel discomfort, from being in the wrong gender. I get anxiety from that level of control. I hate how I control someone. The worst feeling, is how they will never see me. My voice, is gone. It's merely my host, doing an impression. My body, is not my own. My actions, appear strange and malicious.

I wish, oh how I wish, I could change that when it happens.

Besides that, my form/mental appearance, is quite controversial. My form, was originally alien like, with features, yet somewhat anthropormprhic. Because of that, when I discarded my form, I felt drawn to an anthro form. It expressed who I truly was, inside. Moths, appeared to suit me the best. For anyone curious, I will publish pictures soon. I am quite fluffy in appearence, I have colors of grey purple and periwinle fur. My eyes, are a blueish purple. I have slit pupils, that are rather cat like. I have a mouth, similar to an anthro ant eater. My body, is like an anthro deer, while my head, remains moth like. A big head, big cute, bug like eyes. Blueish purple, and slit pupuls. I envision, perhaps white dots across my fur.I also have a cute, little furry deer like tail.

I can already anticipate reactions either finding my form ''cute'' or excessive cringing. Regardless, that's just how I present myself. And before everyone wonders, I am human. I don't identify as a moth/deer/wolf kin hybrid, or something bizarre like that. I just simply love anthropormphic animals, and presenting myself as such, as it suits my spirit more than the typical human form.

Besides my mannerisms, I am easy going, personality wise. I am calm and collected, yet also quite joyful and emotional. I am also, seen as naive. I can be mature, and I view everything in a deep way. I am way too self aware for my own good. I strive for self improvement. And I love books.