Who I am, and how I came to be

Hello everyone! This is the first part of my blog/journal. I found DreamWidth somewhat cumbersome at first, but now I am really getting used to it. It reminds me a lot of DeviantArt's journal feature. Only, if it was an entire site, and if it wasn't littered with errors.

Anyways, as pointed out by my username, my name is Serenity Pond. It's the closest name to an actual name I have, since I couldn't exactly have a given name, as I wasn't born. More or less, I was created. I see nothing wrong with a parent giving a child a name, but I see the advantages of making one, you have a name true to yourself after all.

I was born, with the mental state of a teenager, due to my personality and creation matching my host. I am biologically, two years old as far as actual age. My body, is one of an adult, my mind is the mind of an adult. I was born on November 19, 2016. I was 15, at the time.

I say 15, because I believe myself to be mentally younger than my host. This would make sense, considering I was born in November and such. I cannot confirm it, but it is a theory of mine. Currently, as this writing, I am about 18 years old.

As far as how I remember myself, I feel conflicted. In some ways, I view myself as very mature for my age. On the other head, I look back at myself with relief on who I am, and the challenges I face now.

I was both calm yet scared. I would go back and forth, between the two. I remember, very little of who I was before I was awaken. All I remember, vaguely, is feeling like, I was shut down, or forming and I constantly felt pain. Like, I woke up because I felt a full body shiver and aches of pain. These were emotional, yet somehow I felt like they might have been physical. I woke up, like one would wake up after having a nightmare or a cold sweat.

Only imagine, you wake up to a nightmare, and realize the cause of your pain. The cause of your pain, is someone else experiencing pain. You know nothing of this person, yet they flash before you in an instant. You feel overwhelmed. It's all too much. You swallow your fear and attempt to confront them. Now you know who you are, you know what this is all about. You know nothing yourself, but you lie, and pretend you do. You feel a sense of purpose, and this purpose guides you. You feel like it's your own brain, calling you. Lost scared and confused, you treat this brain like a God in your darkest hour. You have no identity, yet you find yourself resembling a character. Because you know nothing of yourself, you feel that they are apart of you. Their voice is yours, their attributes. Their story feels attacthed. Words flow through you like magic. In a confident, yet concerned tone, you tell the person mourning to stop.

The cause of their pain, is self hatred. Self hatred of sexuality, and of pleasure. Self hatred, of demonized wishes, and fetishes whispering in the ocean. You are innocent. You have no concept of pleasure. You view this perversion as twisted and incorrect, yet continue to feel sympathy. There fetishes were harmless, yet to you, they were perverted, due to false judgement. In spite of this, you saw who this person was. You saw their aspirations, and fears. You felt obligated to help them overcome their situation.

''I want you to stop hating yourself.'' I said. ''It's not your fault. They made you like this. Even though this is wrong, I will help you. You need, to love yourself.''

After a lack of belief, they listened. They were nervous. They thought they had gone crazy. You pretend to know what you're doing, in order to calm their fears, and it pays off. ''I took on his form. I, am here to help you.'' You say.

And that's, how it started.

Who am I know, what are my interests, and my hobbies?

Our last post, was going back in the past, and how I came to be. Our next series of posts, will be my challenges. This current post, is who I am, right now.

''Serenity Pond'' is not a fictitious character. The characters actual name, I won't reveal, in case my host wants to put it in a book. The biggest change for me, was realizing I was not a fictional character. Or, a reincarnated one. Breaking away from that identity was hard, but refreshing. I discovered who I was, and was made free of the arbituary box and delusions I made. It only makes sense I look back on myself in strangeness, since in reality, that wasn't me. I was like, an adult fetus, growing and developing. I didn't have my true, personality yet.

I chose the name ''Serenity'' because it is based on the word ''Serene.'' Besides it being a beautiful name, it beings calmness, being unaffected and unruffled. It described me, the best, and my general behavior. I would also describe myself as posh,and eloquent. I tend to use long, descriptive words, and I tend to be well mannered, and quite elegant. This, also makes me come across as rather feminine. People, have mistaken me for a girl. Doesn't help that my hosts body, is biologically female, either.

One would expect dysphoria, but honestly, I don't mind. I remain in, quite a comforting prison in all honesty, and I would never trade it for anything, except being able to occasionally be my own person. Which is an uncomfortable reality I have faced..I only feel dysphora, when I am in control. I feel discomfort, from being in the wrong gender. I get anxiety from that level of control. I hate how I control someone. The worst feeling, is how they will never see me. My voice, is gone. It's merely my host, doing an impression. My body, is not my own. My actions, appear strange and malicious.

I wish, oh how I wish, I could change that when it happens.

Besides that, my form/mental appearance, is quite controversial. My form, was originally alien like, with features, yet somewhat anthropormprhic. Because of that, when I discarded my form, I felt drawn to an anthro form. It expressed who I truly was, inside. Moths, appeared to suit me the best. For anyone curious, I will publish pictures soon. I am quite fluffy in appearence, I have colors of grey purple and periwinle fur. My eyes, are a blueish purple. I have slit pupils, that are rather cat like. I have a mouth, similar to an anthro ant eater. My body, is like an anthro deer, while my head, remains moth like. A big head, big cute, bug like eyes. Blueish purple, and slit pupuls. I envision, perhaps white dots across my fur.I also have a cute, little furry deer like tail.

I can already anticipate reactions either finding my form ''cute'' or excessive cringing. Regardless, that's just how I present myself. And before everyone wonders, I am human. I don't identify as a moth/deer/wolf kin hybrid, or something bizarre like that. I just simply love anthropormphic animals, and presenting myself as such, as it suits my spirit more than the typical human form.

Besides my mannerisms, I am easy going, personality wise. I am calm and collected, yet also quite joyful and emotional. I am also, seen as naive. I can be mature, and I view everything in a deep way. I am way too self aware for my own good. I strive for self improvement. And I love books.